I thought that it would be easier to process and handle the death of my grandmother. My family and I had known that this time would come. We were notified about her condition early on. When the actual time came for her to leave this physical environment, the grief still came. The regrets and the “should haves” tumbled down gnawing at me.
I don’t do well with death and I’m horrible at funerals. You add in the fact that I haven’t had to personally deal with an immediate family member dying in a long time, spells disaster for me. People say there is a process to grieving, but how do you process something that you are struggling to comprehend. So what happens if I don’t follow this protocol, am I in the wrong?
If I’m not writing, I’m a private person. I’m not fond of having my business spread out on display for the masses, so I can see how it can come across as me holding my feelings or not being able to grasp the reality of death. This is far from the truth. I don’t want to discuss my grandmother’s passing with other people because one questions leads to five more and the next thing you know you have laid out your entire family’s health history and personal traditions without even knowing it.
Although it comes across as rude and insensitive, the last thing I want to do is sit and have a conversation laced with superficial pleasantries’ of “ They are in a better place,” and “ It gets easier” because honestly I already know that. I know that my grandmother is in a better place and her spirit will always be supporting me. I have no questions about that. Those thoughts are what helped keep me sane last week. My grieving process might seem unorthodox to some because I want to be left alone to process my thoughts and feelings my own personal way.
This doesn’t mean I’m distraught or in denial of my grandmother’s passing. My silence doesn’t mean I don’t care because I do. Probably more than you can imagine. Her passing does bring me sorrow. Taking the message from a minister at my church, whose own father had just passed away. I’m not sad because my grandmother is with the Lord, I’m sad because I won’t be able to talk her anymore, see her, or listen to her words of encouragement. My grandma was a strong supporter of my writing and her entrepreneurial spirit will always be a guide for me.
Understanding the grieving process lets me know that this feeling of loss shall get easier and the sadness and grief that has infiltrated my family will ease as time continues its path. I’m still grieving in my own way and not attempting to follow any process. And honestly, there is no specific process. The way you handle grief is up to you. Allowing yourself the chance to understand the situation is the only way through it. Don’t allow other people’s perceptions of your actions during this time force you to think you are doing wrong because you are not. It’s okay to feel the emotion of grief, but don’t allow it to take over you.
My tears may still fall, but my happiness will always be intact. I’m happy that my grandma is indeed in a better place.